My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
