I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize