he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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