see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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