dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
