i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
