he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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