I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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