today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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