you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize