last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
