The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
