In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
