Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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