Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
