there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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