I just made out with a guy for $7.
my phone needs a breathalizer
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
