My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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