I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
