It's Friday. Sex?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
