I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
