She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize