How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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