A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize