I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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