my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
