Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
