I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
