What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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