I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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