I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So much rum. So many feels.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize