Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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