dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just had sex bonerless
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
