Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
