Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
