the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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