My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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