I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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