Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize