Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
