I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
