Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Alive.
So much puke
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize