He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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