I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
