True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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