So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
