i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
