After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
