someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
