We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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