Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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