You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
