I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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