I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
