If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
