I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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