theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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