I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
