I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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