Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
