Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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