when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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