____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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