I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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