He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
