i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I need to calm my uterus...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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