i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
