I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
