My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
