don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
