Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my being single is dangerous.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize