After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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