Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
zippers are such a cool invention
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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