wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize