just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
