Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
