So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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