I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
