I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
